Womaniacs

Hey! How’s everyone doing today? I guess it’s Spicy’s (me >: D) turn to post now that my dear friend Velvet has gotten the ball rolling. This week, we turn our eyes to the women folk… so without further adieu, Spicy and Velvet bring you:

“Oh Honey No: At Least Wear This!”

So we all know that even from the dawn of time, women have had the upper hand in fashion. Cavewomen knew that they had those nice curves for a reason: To cover them up with something even nicer. Or, so we thought.

A lot of women these days… lets just say they have no fashion sense. And what happens to these women? Well they end up wearing things that are not only un-flattering, but downright SKANKY. Now I’m not trying to put women down, (for I am one myself!) men have been known to wear bad things too! But today we are focusing on the girls. Now most of these outfits we are about to show you would make any mother scold the rebellious teenage daughter they walked in on, and this is why we are only a little ashamed to say… We think they totally work!

1.

Spicy: "I can't figure out if I'm in a bad Gothic porn or a movie directed by Tim Burton!" No matter what she's starring in, the outfit is only going to make it that much stranger...
Velvet: I would so love to see this on Lady Gaga. Seriously, it's 1: Pant-less 2: Totally impractical couture and 3: Just outrageous enough for her to work it.
And it makes my eyes bleed less than the other "outfits" she wears. I might actually like her if she wore this for a change...

2.

Spicy: "While this dress was probably hand crafted by small starving African children, Remember this: There is just this thin piece of cloth separating me from you!"
Velvet: You know what this would make? A totally hot, spicy, TANK TOP. Please honey, all you need is a pair of jeans and some cute accessories, and suddenly this would be awesome In an exceedingly brave mood, I might even wear it. But please, please, PANTS.

3.

Spicy: "Why is it that every time I go to do my routine all the men take scissors to my outfit! Damn... I'm still too poor to get a sewing machine :( " Either that or whoever made Shakira's clothes in the "She Wolf" video designed it. Who gave her a fashion license anyway!?
Velvet: So I really love Shakira. I've danced to her music for years, and I think she's hot in a wild, bohemian sort of way. But the outfit she wore in her last music video, "She Wolf", made me literally, CRINGE. Because, Shakira, you are WAY too awesome to wear something that...eeek. Words fail me.
Now, Shakira, why couldn't you have at least worn THIS? It has very similar tasteless and potentially unflattering cutouts, but these cutouts, you might have been able to WORK. And it's got a SALSA skirt on it, which means, potentially able to look hot while you do Latin dance moves. Unlike that asymmetrical catsuit of doom which did absolutely NOTHING for your gyrating.

4.

Spicy: If she walked onto the set of a movie wearing this.. oh say.. James Bond, they wouldn't even think she was out of place. Most likely they would just ask her why she was so late!
Velvet: This is the perfect oxymoron, a completely classy, obscenely sequined, crotch-skimming dress. It's hot. It's sexy. It might be even tasteful, provided you cross your legs every time you sit down. And yes, I admit. I might totally wear this.

5.

Spicy: I'm going to push aside the fact that if that skirt were any shorter it would be a belt... and say that this brings to mind a question. If she were and Scotland...and that were a kilt... everyone would know if she went commando. Of course I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad as a hairy old man.
Velvet: You know, there's always that one punk girl who is mind-bogglingly hot and works shit that shouldn't work on ANYONE. Like, there is no way that should be flattering, but, by dang if she doesn't pull it off anyway. And secretly, deep down inside, for a second, you totally want to try and rock it too.
I want to find that girl and hand her this. God knows what she could do with something that's actually started out kinda sexy...

6.

Spicy: "Look mom! My butt looks like a big shiny plum!!" "That's nice honey, now take that off and put on some clothes..."
I love the color of this dress. The only downside: Must. Resist. Urge. To. Touch. Shiny-ness.
Velvet:Dear God that fabric is shiny. But if you have to wear obnoxiously metallic plastic vinyl, this is at least rather cute obnoxiously metallic plastic vinyl. The color is great, the corset detailing on the bodice is almost not trashy, and quite frankly, the ribbon tied halter top is ADORABLE and nearly saves this whole thing. I could almost love this. Almost.

Annnd Last but not least...
7.

Spicy: Now well all know every little Supergirl has always wished she could be as classy as Catwoman! What could be better than a Catwoman outfit of your very own? Why, a whole troupe of Catwoman stunt doubles! That's what!
Velvet: Now this, this ladies, is how you work latex catsuits. Badass, perfectly fitting, what super-hero wouldn't want one of these beauties by his side? Or just any guy in general. Or even supposedly hetero-sexual chick bloggers that have suddenly developed a girl-crush on...YOU DIDN"T NEED TO KNOW THAT.